


why should i go and fall apart (for you) ?

by Smalls



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: A study in grief, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Fluff? Maybe, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Song Inspired, mostly angst tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-06
Updated: 2018-07-06
Packaged: 2019-06-06 04:48:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15187115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smalls/pseuds/Smalls
Summary: "why should i have a heavy heart?why should i start to break in pieces?why should i go and fall apart for you?"News of death shakes the Resistance base in ways both expected and unexpected.





	why should i go and fall apart (for you) ?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So this is my first Star Wars and its sad because I have little self control. I was listening to the DEH soundtrack and Requiem came on and I got inspired and like 3 months later this showed up. 
> 
> Italics are flashbacks/memories, dreams, and thoughts. *** are time jumps (hope this isn't confusing)
> 
> Warnings for suicide, implied/reference child abuse, and some anxiety like experiences. If any of these make you uncomfortable, please don't read. 
> 
> I'm sorry if you're looking for fluffy Poe/Finn fic. This is not that.

_“I'm being torn apart.”_

_Kylo Ren’s whispered confession echoes throughout the room as though he had shouted._

_“I want to be free of this pain.”_

_Finn had never heard the man sound so afraid, so broken. He watches as Solo takes a small step closer to his son._

_“I know what I have to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it. Will you help me?”_

_‘Don't do it,’ Finn thinks worriedly. He knows Solo can take care of himself, but he doesn't trust Kylo Ren. Solo takes another step._

_“Yes,” Solo replies earnestly. “Anything.” Beside him, Rey sucks in a breath as Kylo slowly extends his lightsaber to his father. Finn eyes the weapon warily, but Solo reaches out without hesitation and offers his son a smile as his hand closes around the lightsaber._

_“Thank you,” Kylo Ren says with a watery smile._

_Then the saber ignites and Kylo thrusts the weapon through Solo’s chest._

“NOOO!”

Finn sits up in a panic, chest heaving and heart pounding. It takes him several breaths to realise where he is and what’s happening. He’s okay. It was just dream. He’s on D’Qar, at the Resistance base, safe in bed and far away from the First Order and its monsters.

There’s some rustling behind him, then an arm wraps around his waist and a chin rests on his shoulder.

“You okay?” Poe asks gently, kissing softly behind Finn’s ear. Finn lets out a shuddering breath and nods.

“Y-yeah.” He glances at the clock and winces. “Sorry for waking you.” The ex-stormtrooper feels Poe’s worry in his next kiss.

“It’s alright.” The pilot waits a beat before asking quietly, “was it the dream again?”

Finn sighs wearily in confirmation and slumps back against Poe. Poe’s grip tightens faintly and he offers Finn another gentle kiss, this time on his neck.

“I’m sorry.” Poe shakes his head.

“You don't have anything to apologise for, Finn. You hear me?”

“I’m keeping you up,” Finn protests. His boyfriend shrugs, but doesn't deny it. “It’s been months. Why…? Shouldn’t…?” Finn huffs in frustration.

“Hey, look at me, buddy.” Finn turns his head and Poe gives him a serious look. “No one, and I mean _no one_ , leaves a war without a few scars, okay? So you get nightmares, okay fine. After what you've been through, it’s normal, Finn. It sucks and I wish you didn't have to suffer like this, but it _is_ normal. You aren't malfunctioning and you aren't burdening me or whatever else you're thinking in that lovely head of yours, okay? They aren't going to last forever, and even if they do, I’ll still be right here, okay?”

Finn stares at Poe for a moment before leaning forward and capturing his boyfriend’s lips in a sweet kiss.

“I love you,” he informs the pilot before laying back down and pulling Poe close. Poe lets out a small huff of laughter and wraps his arms tightly around Finn, cocooning the ex-stormtrooper.

“I love you too.”

***

Finn struggles not to fidget as he waits for General Organa to arrive on the bridge. He looks over at Rey, questions in his eyes, but she shakes her head in response, leaving Finn to continue to worry and fidget.

Finn and Poe had been on their way to the mess hall hoping to get a late breakfast when Major Brance stopped them in the hallway.

“General Organa requires your presence on the bridge.” Poe and Finn shared a look. “Both of you,” the major clarified after a moment. “As soon as possible.”

“Why?” Poe asked. “Is there a mission?” The major shook his head.

“The General didn't say. Only that you both join her on the bridge as soon as possible.”

So here he stands, hungry and worried. He understands why, if the General had a mission for them, she would want Poe and Rey present. But then _he_ wouldn't be. And if it was tactical information, then there was no reason for Rey to be present. And, as far as Finn is concerned, there is no reason for Chewbacca to be here, howling at Rey in obvious distress.

“Stop it,” Poe whispers in his ear.

“Stop what?” Finn whispers back.

“I can hear you panicking.” Finn shoots Poe a side glare and the pilot grins in response.

“Leia, what is so important?” Finn turns towards the door as the General enters with her brother in tow. “I was in the middle of something.”

“This is important, Luke.” General Organa looks and sounds exhausted. Finn wonders briefly if she has nightmares too. She offers the room a smile that falls flat. She sighs and straightens.

“Thank you all for coming.” The General opens her mouth, then stops, looking lost for a moment. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Poe frown and shift nervously.

“I don't know any other way to say this, but I think you are all the people who this information will…affect the most.” Everyone stares at the General, collectively holding their breath. “Kylo Ren is dead.”

The room erupts into chaos.

Or at least, Finn thinks it does. For him, everything around him goes quiet as a roar steadily builds in his head. Though, that could just be the Wookiee’s cries. 

“What do you mean _dead_?” Skywalker demands.

“Exactly that.” The General sighs heavily and sits down. “My sources told me he…killed himself. Shortly after the Starkiller Base.”

“My god…” Rey breaths before moving towards the General. “Are…are you okay?”

“How do you know?” the Jedi insists. “That he killed himself? That he’s even dead? This could be a trap!”Chewbacca cries loudly at that. “Well, it could be, Chewie! It’s careless to assume—”

“He left a note.” Her interruption is quiet, but it silences the room. After a moment of uncertainty, Poe steps forward and kneels in front of the General.

“What did it say?” he asks gently. General Organa closes her eyes.

“Oddly enough, it was Captain Phasma who gave it to me. Not directly, of course, but she was the one who found it and sent me the image. Said I deserved to have it, although whether it was a kindness or cruelty I don't know.”

“Leia,” Poe presses gently, “what did it say?” Leia opens her eyes and takes a shuddering breath.

“ ‘I did what was asked of me, but it did not make me stronger. I have not left behind my past. I carry him with me, every day when I wake and every night when I lie down. It’s destroying me from the inside out. I am too weak to fight it. Forgive me.’ ”

Silence settles over the bridge in a heavy cloud. Finn studies the ground, unable to process what he’s heard. Kylo Ren…killed himself. Kylo Ren, the champion of the First Order. Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader Snoke’s prized student. Kylo Ren, the young man who…

“Can you believe that? Even in death, his only loyalty is to the First Order.” Finn’s head jerks up and he stares at the Jedi Master. The man’s face is twisted in disgust and anger. The General looks up sharply and shoots her brother a piercing glare.

“He begged for forgiveness.” Her voice is both cold and hopeful and makes Finn want to cry.

“For being unable to embrace the darkness!” Skywalker counters angrily. “Not for killing my best friend! Your husband! His _father!_ ” Chewie roars again unhappily and Luke, in his anger, roars back.

Finn looks between Rey and Poe, wondering what they feel and if they know what to do now. Poe looks…cautiously relieved. For a moment, Finn is surprised. Then he remembers how he and the pilot first meet. Kylo Ren had been torturing him, using the Force to pick apart his brain and leaving it in broken pieces. It makes sense his boyfriend would be glad that the masked figure is gone forever. But…Poe loves the General, deeply and devotedly. If this news breaks her heart, at least a part of his will break as well.

Rey, on the other hand, looks hesitantly mournful. Finn knows that she too suffered under the hands of the dark Force user, and would have every reason to be happy that she’s safe. But, while Rey loves the General, who serves as the mother she’s never had, her sorrow doesn't seem to be sympathetic. For the thousandth time Finn finds himself wishing Kylo Ren hadn't gotten the drop on him, that he knew what the man and Rey had spoken of during their duel, and that he knew what Rey had learned during her time with Luke on Ahch-To.

“I know what he did!” Leia nearly yells, rising to her feet. “I’ll never forget. And neither did he.” Luke shakes his head.

“He…he wasn't all bad,” Rey interjects hesitantly.

“You never knew him, Rey. Not like I knew him.” Skywalker gives Rey a sad look. “There was nothing but darkness in his heart.” His tone hardens and he meets his sister’s eyes unblinking. “Nothing.”

“I could feel the Light in him,” Rey insists, quiet but firm. “It was only a glimmer, but it _was_ there.” Leia smiles at her, eyes bright with unshed tears.

“That was my Ben. He was a good boy.”

“Ben is dead!” Skywalker yells, with such force it feels as though the room shifts slightly in response. “He died years ago, and I will not stand here and mourn the murder who stands in his place!” Luke storms out without a word, leaving the General quietly fuming and the rest staring after the retreating Jedi master. After a moment she turns to address them.

“I’ll inform the rest of the base at the end of the week. I would…appreciate it if you waited till my announcement before…discussing it further.” Poe gives her a small nod.

“Of course, General. Is there anything you need?” The General shakes her head and looks as though she's aged a thousand years.

“No, thank you. You’re dismissed.”

Everyone pauses for a moment, unsure if they should leave their fearless leader alone.Finally Rey nods and exits, likely to find her Master and question his behaviour. Poe gives Finn a quick nod and leaves. Finn follows his boyfriend out of the door, but not before seeing the Wookiee approach Leia and wrap her up in a tight sorrowful embrace.

They make it about halfway to their quarters before Poe stops. Finn stops beside him and looks at his boyfriend expectantly.

“Am I…is it…wrong? That I'm not completely sad?” Poe asks, worried.

Finn had just been asking himself a very different question.

“I don't think so?” Finn winces as his words come out more like a question than a reassurance. “I think Kylo Ren hurt a lot of people and that you…that it’s okay if you aren't totally sad he’s gone.” Poe thinks over his words, then gives Finn a small smile.

“Thanks, Finn.” He takes a few steps toward the room, then pauses to look back at Finn. “Are _you_ okay?” The ex-stormtrooper blinks.

“Yeah, of course,” Finn says, guarded. “Why?” Poe takes a step towards Finn and it takes all off his will power not to move away.

“You looked pretty…blindsided, I guess? Back on the bridge.” Finn offers a dismissive shrug and prays to every deity he can name that Poe drops it.

Poe does not drop it.

“Are you sure? It’s okay if you’re feeling…?”

“Feeling what?” Finn snaps. “Sad? Sympathetic?” He scoffs and crosses his arms defensively. “Really? Why would I feel anything for that…that…”

He can't finish. He doesn't know how to finish.

Poe stares at Finn likes he's never seen him before.

“Finn,” the pilot begins cautiously, “you’re crying.” Finn blinks and reaches up to touch his face, surprised when he finds tears streaming down his face.

“I’m fine.”

“Finn…” Poe says softly, taking a step towards Finn. Panic grips his heart.

“I’m fine,” Finn insists, backing away. “I’m gonna go check on Rey. I’ll see you later.”

“Finn!”

But Finn is gone.

***

It doesn't take Finn long to find Rey.

Maybe a week after returning from Ahch-To, Rey sought out a small clearing in the forest, a little sanctuary for the times when the people become…suffocating. Although Rey had been lonely for a long time and desperately loves her friends at the base who provide her the companionship she's always longed for, Rey is used to being alone. And sometimes, she still wants to be. Finn can understand that. There are moments, not often but they do happen, when Finn wishes someone would just tell him what to do. It’s comfortable and familiar, even if it isn't always pleasant. Sometimes that’s just easier, and right now he suspects Rey wants familiar.

He finds her sitting on a large rock, absentmindedly moving small stones with the Force. Finn clears his throat politely to gain her attention. Rey turns, dropping the stones, and for a moment Finn wishes he hadn't gone looking for her. He takes a step back, but Rey wipes her red-rimmed eyes and offers him a smile.

“Actually, if you aren't busy, I wouldn't mind a friend,” she says, patting the rock invitingly. Finn smiles back and moves towards her. He sits down on the rock and shifts uncomfortably.

“Any chance you can use the Force to make this rock softer?” Rey shakes her head and laughs.

“That’s _not_ how the Force works, Finn.” Finn shrugs, having expected that much. He had just been hoping to make his best friend smile.

“Then why use it?” She shakes her head again and bumps Finn playfully with her shoulder.

They sit in silence for a while, looking around the forest and taking comfort in the other’s presence. Eventually, Finn sighs inwardly and asks, “You talk to Luke?”

Rey frowns and nods. Finn waits.

“He…he’s so angry, Finn.” Rey shifts so her body is angled towards his. “I…a part of me understands. A part of me hates Kylo Ren for what he did to you. To me. To Poe. To…to Han.”

Rey takes a shuddering breath and Finn rest his hand on her shoulder, squeezing gently. She seems to gain strength from his touch and after a breath she continues.

“A part of me understands his pain, but…” She looks at Finn with uncertainty. “I…I spoke with him. Kylo Ren. While on Ahch-To.”

Finn blinks in surprise. Of all the things that might have happened while she was gone, running into Kylo Ren was not something he had expected.

“How did he find you? Are you okay?”

“He…he wasn't actually there.” Rey makes a face of frustration as she struggles to find the words. “We…the Force…connected us. We could see each other. Communicate. Without actually being together.” Finn stares at her in amazement.

“I didn't know the Force could do that.”

“Neither did I,” Rey admits. “I asked Luke about it and he said he had never heard of anything like that either. Once you become part of the Force, it’s possible to visit anyone using its power, but he’s never heard of anything like that happening while both people were still…ya know.” Finn nodded.

“So…what happened?”

“I don't know.”

Rey goes quiet for a long time, long enough for Finn to think she won’t elaborate.

“At first, he was exactly what I expected. Arrogant. Cold. Distant. And I felt everything I expected to feel. Anger. Grief. Fear.” She stares at the trees, refusing to meet Finn’s eyes. “But…he told me what happened. That night at the temple.” She takes a deep breath and finally looks at Finn.

“Luke tried to kill him. Well, Luke thought about killing him. He could sense the growing darkness and considered striking before it could overwhelm his nephew.”

All Finn could do was stare. Luke Skywalker had considered killing his nephew. _Must run in the family,_ he thinks darkly. Rey pales, as if she can read Finn’s thoughts, and who knows, maybe she can.

“He didn't do it. Luke came to his senses and lowered the lightsaber, ashamed, but Kylo had already woken up and seen him: his uncle standing over him, lightsaber ready to strike. That was the final push for him.” She falls silent then, and the ex-stormtrooper can think of no response.

“Rey,” he says after a long pause, “he wasn’t a good man.”

“No,” she agrees. “But I think he used to be.”

***

Finn walks calmly back to the his quarters. After talking with Rey, he feels like himself again. He’s hoping Poe isn't there waiting, but if he is Finn feels ready to talk. To tell the pilot that he was just thinking about the General’s pain. That he’s relieved this menace to the Resistance and his friends is gone. That he isn't sad.

As Finn passing the training room, he hears a loud crash followed by colourful swearing. Cautiously, Finn pokes his head inside.

In the corner of the room stands Skywalker, hunched over slightly and examining a sizeable dent in the wall. Finn tries to duck back into the hallway before being noticed, but Skywalker chooses that moment to look up. Their eyes meet and now there’s no way for Finn to gracefully disappear.

“Sorry. I, uh, heard a noise,” Finn explains weakly. “I’ll just…leave you to it.”

He gives the Jedi master a nod and makes a move to leave the training room, but Skywalker quickly asks, “did you talk to her?” causing Finn to remain frozen in the doorway.

“Her?”

“Rey,” Skywalker clarifies. “Did you talk to her?”

Finn’s no Jedi, but he has a very bad feeling about this.

“Yes,” he admits slowly. “We talked.” Skywalker beckons Finn closer and, with an internal sigh, the ex-stormtrooper obediently enters the room fully.

“Is she still upset with me?”

Finn hesitates before saying, “no?” and Skywalker sighs.

“She just doesn't understand,” Skywalker states with a disappointed shake of his head. “She doesn't know him like I do. Or did. ” He stares at the dent in the wall and doesn't say a word.

“Maybe…” Finn swallows nervously before saying, “maybe you never really knew him.”

Skywalker looks sharply at Finn and it takes years of conditioning to keep him from flinching back at his glare.

“I _raised_ that boy. I taught him everything he knows. I was more of a father to him than Han  _ever_ was! I loved him, and I gave him the world! And he just.. just… _threw it away_! He tore our family apart and trampled the broken pieces he left behind him! Our love, my teachings, everything wasted!” Skywalker turns sharply and strikes the wall, a loud echo reverberating around the room. 

“I…I can’t morn him.”

His voice was quiet and tired, and for the first time since meeting him Finn didn't feel like he was in the presence of the last Jedi. Standing before him was not a legend, but a worn man. Skywalker glances over his shoulder and stares at Finn with cold resolve.

“I _won’t_ morn him. ”

***

Finn’s feet drag as he makes his way back to the quarters he and Poe share. His head is pounding from the lack of food (after the General’s news, Finn’s stomach hadn't found food very agreeable) and his mind is spinning. As he unlocks his door, all he wants to do is collapse on the bed and sleep for a week.

Poe looks up at him as soon as the door opens and any hope of sleep disappears.

“Hey.” His tone is worried and his eyes look sad, but worst of all is Poe is not smiling. Which is a very bad sign, because Poe is always at least slightly smiling. The last time Finn remembers seeing Poe not smile was when Finn told him about the conditioning of the First Order.

Finn gulps and tries to return the greeting.

“H-hey.”

Poe just stares at him for a moment. Then he stands up and walks slowly towards Finn. Finn forces his body to remain still. Poe stops directly in front of him and just studies him. After a moment, or maybe it was an hour, Poe nods to himself wraps his arms tightly around Finn. The ex-stormtrooper tenses, then melts into his boyfriend’s arms.

“Where did you go?” Poe asks into Finn’s neck.

“I went to find Rey. She seemed upset.”

“No, I mean…” Poe pulls back enough to look into Finn’s eyes, searching for…something.“ _Where_ did you go? Back there.”Finn tries to hide his flinch, but he sees Poe’s eyes catch the movement.

“Nowhere. Everything’s fine.”

“Finn.” His tone is pleading. “You…I haven't seen you look like that in…months. It was like you had checked out.”

“Poe…”

“ _Please_ talk to me. I just want to help.”

“I’m fine!” Finn snaps, pushing past his boyfriend and further into their room. Finn knows he sounds distinctly not fine, but he can’t help it.

“Something’s wrong!” Poe insists.

“Yeah, a monster is dead and no one can decide whether or not that’s a good thing. That’s what’s wrong!” Finn starts pacing back and forth, waving his hands wildly.

“He hurt you, and Rey, and he killed Solo, and who knows how many other people he hurt or killed!? But he was still a person, and he was Leia’s son and Luke’s nephew, and he…he…”

Finn cuts himself off, unsure of what he’s trying to say. Unsure of what he should say.

“Finn?”

Finn sits heavily on the bed and cradles his head in his hands.

“It’s just a lot,” he says in a muffled voice. He feels the bed shift, and an arm wraps hesitantly around him.

“I know, love. But we’re all gonna figure this out, okay? Everything’s gonna be okay.” Finn lifts up his head and nods before resting his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Okay,” he whispers, and tries desperately to believe it.

***

An uneasiness falls over the base over the course of the next week. The technicians heard shouting on the bridge. The pilots noticed Rey sneaking through the hanger, tears streaming down her face. The fighters saw the dent in the wall of the training room. Everyone knows something is wrong.

Finn sits at his normal table in the mess hall and stares at his plate of food.

“You gonna finish that or…?” Finn shoves the plate over to Jessika without a word.

“Okay, what gives?”

“Hmm?” He looks up from the table to see Jess giving him a raised eyebrow.

“You always go back for seconds, yet you haven’t touched anything on this plate. Or any plate all week. Look,” she said, lowering her voice slightly. “what’s going on? Rey’s giving Luke the silent treatment, Leia looks like she hasn't slept in days, Poe’s working on his X-Wing like a man possessed, and you're wasting away to nothing. Everyone knows something went down and it’s sucking the life out of the base.”

She wasn't wrong, but…

“The General said she would explain everything by the end of the week.” Jessika narrows her eyes.

“So why do you guys know what’s going and the rest of us are left in the dark?”

“I don't know—”

“What’s with all the secrets?”

“Jess—”

“We just want—”

“I don't know, Jess!” Finn slams his hands down on the table. “I don't know why you don't get to know now, but you’ll get to know in two days so just shut up and hunker down, okay!?”

Jess stares at him, eyes wide with shock.

“Jess, I—”

“Woah, you guys good here?” Poe asks as he puts down his tray and gives them an anxious once over.

“Yeah,” Jess says, voice shaking slightly. “Everything’s good.”

“Finn?” Poe prompts gently.

“Yeah,” Finn agrees numbly before getting up. “I’m gonna go back to the room.”

“Finn…”

“I’ll see you guys later.”

Finn walks back to his quarters, mind racing.

 _I can’t believe I snapped at Jess like that,_ he mentally berates. _Jess is one of my best friends on the base and she was just curious. I would be too if I was in her shoes. There was no reason to yell. What’s wrong with me?_

Finn unlocks the door to his room and looks around the room before sitting down on the bed with a heavy thud.

“What’s wrong with me?” he asks the empty room. “Why am I acting like this? Why…why do I care that Kylo Ren is…?”

Finns chokes back a sob threatening to break free.

“Damnit! Why do I care!?”

“Finn?”

Finn glances up sharply to see Kylo Ren standing before him. Finn gasps and grabs the extra blaster Poe keeps by the bed.

“Get back!”

“Finn?” the spectre asks, moving closer, unfazed by Finn’s weapon. “Will you grieve for me?”

“No!”

“Will you miss me?” he presses, moving closer still.

“NO!”

“Don’t lie, Finn.”

“GO AWAY!”

“Mourn me.”

“NO! I WON’T!”

“Finn!”

The ghost of Kylo Ren dissipates. In its place stands an extremely worried Rey.

“Rey…” Finn looks around the room in confusion. “I…how?”

“The door was unlocked. I heard shouting.”

“I…I was confused. I haven't been sleeping,” Finn explains weakly. Rey nods, but steps fully into the room and sits down beside him.Finn expects a quick interrogation. He loves Rey but she isn't the kind of person who waits patiently for answers. But Rey just sits beside him.

“He was cruel.” Finn is so startled by the sound it takes him a moment to realise it’s him speaking. “Kylo Ren. No one in the First Order is particularly kind, but…as I progressed in my training, he was always…cruel. If he stopped by at training session, he would always watch me, just waiting for me to make a mistake so he could berate me in front of everyone. He would say I wasn't fit to serve in the First Order, that I was an idiot, that I was a failure.” Finn takes a deep breath.

“He never threw me out, though. And never suggested Captain Phasma throw me out. He just had his general disapproval of me made known.” He looks over at his best friend.

“He tried to kill me. He tried to kill you. He’s hurt the people I love most. So why…why do I care?” Rey stares at the wall, eyes narrowed in thought.

“Because he was right.” Finn starts in surprise, and a good deal of hurt, but Rey is quick to rush on. “You didn't belong in the First Order. You're a good person, Finn. You have a good heart. So even though you recognise that he wasn't a good man, you see that he was still a man, and that his death affected people you care about. So you care.”

Finn sighs in relief as her words settle in. Of course that’s what was going on. He didn't care about Kylo Ren, he cared about the effect it had on the people around him. That’s why he cried despite feeling relieved. He’s not a terrible person.

Finn wraps an arm around Rey and pulls her in for a half hug.

“Thanks, Rey.” He hesitates before adding, “Can we maybe not tell Poe about this?” Rey hesitates for the briefest moment before nodding.

“For now,” she agrees. Finn sighs in relief.

And tries to ignore the ghost he can still see out of the corner of his eye.

***

The mess hall feels strange.

People drink and eat and talk amongst themselves. There is laughter, music, cheers, and all elements of celebration that would be expected. The General has announced the fall of a monster and this calls for rejoicing, and yet…

“What a coward.” Finn’s head jerks up and he stares at Snap. “He didn't give us a chance to take our revenge,” he says taking a sip from his bottle. “He would rather die like a coward than face us.”

“Hey, I’m fine with the bastard taking himself out,” Jessika says, stealing the bottle from Snap and taking a drink. “One less problem to deal with, right Dameron?”

Poe gives her a half-hearted smile before returning his attention towards the General. She’s on the other side of the room speaking to a few of the commanders, answering questions and nodding politely. Acting as if the base isn't celebrating the death of her son.

Finn takes the bottle from Jess and has a long drink.

Luke is brooding in the corner beside Chewie. He’s too far away for Finn to hear, but he sees Chewie lean down to tell Luke something and watches as Luke scowls and shakes his head in response.

Rey follows his gaze and frowns.

“Can you believe it?” she asks quietly.

“Believe what?” he asks back.

“This,” Rey says, gesturing around the room in disgust. “Leia is grieving the death of her son, and we’re having a party.”

“They don't know,” he tells her. “All they know is one of the biggest threats to the galaxy is gone.”

Rey crosses her arms and is still frowning when she says, “I guess.”

Finn glances around the room, watching Jess pull a tipsy Snap onto the dance floor. The sight would normally make him smile, but he just feels numb.

“I’ve been spending a lot of time with Leia, this past week.”

“Oh?” Finn says carefully. Rey nods.

“I told her about speaking with him. Back on Ahch-To. She told me that its like having her Ben back. Like he’s still here.” Rey falls silent for a moment, and Finn could tell she was debating saying more.

“She…she thinks he may have returned to the Light.” Finn blinks.

“What?”

“She’s trying to convince Luke to reach out and see if he can find him, but Luke won’t do it.”

Her voice is tinged with annoyance, and Finn suddenly understands the silent treatment she’s been giving her master over the past week.

“Why does it matter so much to you?” Rey shrugs, noncommittally.

“I just think…maybe it things had been different…” She trails off with another shrug. “Who knows?”

Finn had been thinking about that himself lately.

“If Poe asks, tell him I turned in early.” Rey nods as Finn stands and makes his way back to his quarters.

Once inside his room, Finn strips down and climbs into bed. He stares up at the ceiling and tries desperately to fall asleep.

***

_His cheek is stinging._

_“YOU STUPID BOY!” Finn flinches away from the man towering before him. “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”_

_Finn does not need to be told twice and runs down the hall towards his small bedroom. He slips into bed and pulls his threadbare blanket over his head. He can still hear his father yelling through the walls. He curls up into a ball and tries not to cry._

_He cries anyways._

_He’s standing in the desert, staring up at the boy in front of him._

_The boy is older than Finn and dressed in all black. In his hand, he holds a black mask._

_“Who hurt you?” the boy asks, gesturing to the bruise on his cheek. Finn doesn't say a word. The boy frowns._

_“Would you like to leave this place?”_

_Finn thinks for a moment, then nods. The boy offers him a small smile and his hand. Finn stares at a moment before taking it. He follows the boy back to the ship, and doesn't look back._

_Not even when he hears screams in the distance._

***

“How’d you sleep?” Poe asks as he laces up his boots. Finn shrugs and is eternally grateful his back is turned to Poe so he can't see his face.

“Alright I guess,” he says as he pulls on his shirt.

“No nightmares?” Finn hesitates.

“I…I don't think so.” Poe glances up from his hunched over position.

“No?”

“No, I just…” Finn shakes his head. “Just memories of me being little.” Poe straightens up at that.

“Yeah?” he says, voice tinged with excitement and curiosity. Finn shrugs again and focuses his eyes on imaginary wrinkle on his shirt.

“Just random flashes. Me getting ready for bed. Glimpses of my dad. Stuff like that.”

It’s not the truth, precisely. But it isn't technically a lie either.

Poe nods, seemingly satisfied with Finn’s answer, and stands.

“I’m just glad you were able to get some sleep,” he tells Finn and Finn tries desperately not to feel like a horrible person. “I’ve got to run drills with the squadron, but I’ll see you for lunch?” Finn nods.

“Yeah of course.”

“Great,” Poe steps close and kisses Finn, soft and quick. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he replies with a soft smile.

Poe offers him a teasing wink, then he's out the door. Finn waits a moment, to see if Poe comes back for anything. When a minute passes and the pilot doesn't reappear, Finn lets out the breath he had been holding before leaving the room. He looks up and down the hallway before turning left and following the path Rey has to described to him, but he’s never walked himself.

He stops in front of a room he prays is correct, and half hopes isn’t, and knocks lightly. Finn hears movement on the other side before the door slides open and reveals the face of the solemn Jedi Master.

“Uh, Finn?” Skywalker looks past him for a moment, as if expecting to see another person, before redirecting his attention to the ex-stormtrooper before him.

“Hey.”

“Is, uh, is there something I can do for you?” Skywalker asks uncertainly.

“Maybe. Can I come in?” The man hesitates before moving out of the doorway and granting Finn access. Finn steps across the threshold and glances around the room.

It’s neater than he had anticipated. The Jedi always had a disheveled look about his that Finn expected to translate to his quarters, but the room is orderly.Or maybe it isn't so much orderly as just lacking in things. The walls are bare and the small shelf beside the bed appears to be unused. Hard to have clutter when you have no belongings.

“So Finn, how can I help you?” Finn swallows nervously, unsure how to voice his request.

“Uh, well, I was talking to Rey, and she told me that the General was hoping you could reach her son.” Skywalker’s eyes narrow. “Is that possible?” he asks in a rush.

“No,” the Jedi says flatly. “The Force only welcomes those who embraced the Light. Kylo Ren belongs to the Dark.” Finn hesitates.

“So there’s no way to speak to him?”

“If Rey is so desperate—”

“I’m not asking for Rey,” he interrupts. Skywalker falls silent and stares at Finn strangely.

“Leia?” Finn shakes his head. “Then why…?”

“I…have my reasons,” he says vaguely. Skywalker starts to say something then shakes his head, appearing to change his mind.

“Whatever your reasons, it’s impossible.” He crosses his arms and give Finn a hard look. “Anything else?”

“How are you able to hate your nephew so easily?”

Finn slaps his hand over his mouth, eyes wide. He had meant to say ‘no, that’s it’, not accuse the Jedi of…of…of being completely heartless. Skywalker stares back at him in equal shock.

“I, I am _so_ sorry!” Finn stammers, hands raising in defence. “I, I did _not_ mean…”

Skywalker holds up a hand and Finn freezes.

“It’s…I don't hate my nephew.” He sighs wearily and sits down on his bed. “I loved Ben so much,” he continues, staring down at the floor. “I…I would have done anything for him.” Skywalker looks up at Finn, eyes haunted.

“It’s the monster who killed him, who walked around wearing his skin, _that’s_ who I hate. Not my Ben, never Ben.”

***

Finn wanders into the mess hall in a daze.

_‘It’s the monster who killed him, who walked around wearing his skin, that’s who I hate.’_

The Jedi’s words echo in his head.

“-nn, Finn!” Finn jerks to see his boyfriend standing in front of him, two trays in his hands. “You okay buddy?” Finn nods.

“Yeah sorry, I was just thinking.” Poe’s brows furrow with concern. “I was just talking to Skywalker, at Rey’s request,” he lies quickly, “and things got kinda heavy.” Poe still looks worried, but less the before.

“As long as you’re okay?” Finn offers a smile that almost feels real.

“Yeah, I’m good, ” he says, taking the tray in Poe’s hand. “Let’s eat.”

They fill their plates with food and head over to their usual table, already filled with their friends. All throughout lunch Finn smiles and laughs at all the right places, eats most of his meal, and manages to appear engaged in Snap’s tales of his last mission. Yet all the while, Skywalker’s words run through his head in a loop.

_‘It’s the monster who killed him, who walked around wearing his skin, that’s who I hate.’_

_***_

_“He’s a failure.”_

_Young FN-2187 flinches outside Captain Phasma’s quarters. The walls are not particularly thin, nor is the captain attempting to lower her voice._

_“He should be removed immediately,” she continues emotionlessly._

_FN-2187 holds his breath, waiting for the man to condemn him._

_“No.”_

_There is a long moment of silence._

_“Are you sure…?” the captain begins hesitantly, but the man interrupts._

_“He stays. For now.”_

_Another moment of silence._

_“Understood.”_

_The door slides open and FN-2187 quickly straightens and stares ahead. He can feel the man’s gaze on him, but he keeps his eyes focused on the wall in front of him. Eventually, he hears the sound of retreating footsteps and dares to look over. He watches Kylo Ren’s disappearing form and wonders why he insisted, again, that he remain in the First Order._

_Most stormtroopers were removed after the first infraction. None made it passed a second. Yet here stands FN-2187 at his third infraction, and is once again spared removal, though whether it is mercy or punishment was yet to be determined._

_It’s almost as if the masked man…cared?_

_FN-2187 shakes head._

_This is the First Order. There’s no such thing._

_***_

“Tell me something about you,” Poe says softly into the dark room. Finn shifts in his arms and tries to look at his boyfriend in the darkness.

“Like what?” He feels the pilot shrug.

“I don't know. I feel like you know almost everything about me,” Poe admits with a small laugh. “ And I know a lot about your time with the First Order,” he says darkly, pulling Finn closer subconsciously,

“But I feel like I don't know any of the good. If there was any. Or about your childhood before the First Order, if you remember it…” Poe trails off and sighs. “I’m sorry, I guess I forgot why we don't really…”

“I remember my childhood,” Finn interrupts. “Not well, but I remember it.”

The room is quiet for a moment then Poe whispers, “You don't have to.”

“I know,” Finn says, then hesitates. Poe waits, hand stroking absentmindedly up and down his back. The motion is soothing and Finn takes a breath.

“I don't remember my mom hugging me, or kissing me goodnight, or telling me stories,” he begins, slowly and carefully, “but I remember hearing her hum sometimes while making food. I don't think I could echo the tune or name the song if my life depended on it, but I remember it made me feel safe.”

Poe presses a smiling kiss into Finn’s hair.

“What about your dad? You said you saw flashes earlier this week.” Finn determinedly does not flinch.

“He wasn't a good man.”

Finn doesn't elaborate, and Poe doesn't push. Instead, he presses another kiss into Finn’s hair and tugs him just a little closer.

“I’m sorry,” Poe whispers.

They fall asleep wrapped in each others arms.

***

_FN-2187 stares at the ration being held before him in confusion._

_“You need to eat,” Kylo Ren tells him._

_FN-2187 continues to stare._

_“Look,” the masked man says with a huff, “you’re weak enough as it is. The last thing you need is to miss meals. Just take it.”_

_The stormtrooper cautiously reaches out and takes the ration._

_“Thank you,” he whispers, but Kylo Ren is already gone._

_***_

“You and Luke still fighting?”

Rey gives an irritated sigh and swings the lightsaber towards Finn’s head. He yells and is barely able to block in time.

“I’ll take that as a yes!?”

“Hey! Easy with my man!” Poe shouts from his spot against the wall, tone mostly playful.

“I am so sorry!” Rey cries, dropping her saber and quickly checking Finn over for injuries. Finn bats her hands away.

“I’m fine, calm down.”

“Sure you don't need me to kiss it better?” Poe asks. Rey laughs and Finn rolls his eyes.

“I really am sorry,” Rey says again. “It’s just…I don't understand why he's being so unreasonable.”

Finn and Poe shoot each other quick looks, silently asking who wants to take on that challenge. Finn loses their silent argument as usual and clears his throat.

“Just give him time,” he suggests weakly. Rey rolls her eyes.

“It’s been almost two weeks,” she says with frustration.

“Rey…” Poe says gently, attempting to take a shot at it, but Rey cuts him off.

“Leia is grieving! She wants answers. _I_ want answers, and I know he wants them too! I don't see why—”

“Cause you didn't know him, Rey!”

Finn loves Rey, but he can’t deal with this anymore.

“The man you met on Ahch-To is not the same man that Skywalker knew, or the General for that matter. I get that you guys had a Force moment or whatever, but that doesn't change the things he's done or the path he chose. Skywalker can’t just put all that aside to make you and the general happy, and even if you can’t understand it, you do need to respect it.”

Poe and Rey stare at him, Poe with shock and Rey with shame.

“…you’re right,” Rey admits quietly. “I…I need to go talk to Luke.”

Rey picks up her fallen lightsaber and heads to the door, stopping to hug Finn. Poe and Finn watch her leave the training room and go off in search of her Master. Poe turns to Finn and gives him a proud smile.

“You did good, buddy,” he praises, slinging his arm around Finn. “I’m proud of you.” Finn flushes a little.

“I didn't really…”

“You put into words what everyone at the base has been doing to some degree.”

“Oh, and what’s that?”

“Grieving their version of Kylo Ren.”

Finn stares at Poe, that slow yet steadily building roar returning in his head.

“What?” he asks faintly. Poe shrugs.

“Leia is grieving her son. Luke is grieving the boy he failed. Rey is grieving the ally and friend she might have had. And the base is ‘grieving’ the villain of this story.”

Finn’s heart is attempting break out of his chest and the air in the training room thickens.

“Finn? Hey, what is it?”

He struggles to swallow.

Two hands firmly grip his shoulders. Finn looks up and stares into his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Finn?” His voice is desperate and afraid. The ex-stormtrooper forces himself to breathe.

“Poe?” he says quietly, voice trembling. Poe sighs in relief.

“Yeah, buddy? What is it?”

“…I need to tell you something.”

***

_FN-2187 has never seen the med-bay before._

_He had been injured, of course, but never badly. If you truly needed medical attention, then you were weak and probably would dead before returning to the ship. You should hope that you are dead before returning to the ship. It’s a better fate than the punishment waiting for you._

_FN-2187 had not realised he was injured._

_An explosion had gone off, he had been thrown through the air and landed roughly on his arm, then a commanding officer had ordered him to get up. So, with ears still ringing from the blast, he got up and continued on with the mission. It was not until he was back in the ship, walking towards his shared quarters, that the pain set in._

_Quickly and excruciatingly._

_FN-2187 had dropped to his knees, grasped his arm, and failed not to scream._

_Apparently, he was beginning to improve as a stormtrooper and was nearly valuable, as he was rushed off to med-bay and it was discovered the impact from the explosion had broken his arm in three places. The med drones stripped him off his armour, (the first time FN-2187 had been out of his armour since his last shower) rubbed some strange jelly substances on his arm that burned then faded into numbness, and told him he'd be fine._

_So now he sits in the med-bay, arm itching, and waiting for someone to tell him what to do._

_The door slides open and FN-2187 blinks in confusion as Kylo Ren enters the room. The masked man doesn't say a word as he walks over to the stormtrooper and sits down in the chair near the bed. FN-2187 can feel the weight of the dark Force user’s stare through the mask and feels exposed in a way he’s never felt._

_“They said you broke your arm,”Kylo Ren finally says. Finn nods, unsure of how to respond. “It’s…good you aren't dead,” he continues, almost hesitantly._

_The stormtrooper nods again, more confused than before. Kylo Ren reaches out his hand and FN-2187 can’t resist the urge to flinch. The hand immediately freezes. Then Kylo Ren growls._

_“This stupid…” he mutters._

_Then Kylo Ren does something FN-2187 has not seen him do in ten years: he removes his mask._

_Finn can’t help but stare. The man still looks so much like the boy who saved him. Pale skin. Dark hair. Darker eyes. But he looks so much older now, almost a man. His skin is paler. His hair longer. His eyes haunted. FN-2187 can’t look away._

_Kylo Ren stares back._

_He reaches out his hand again, and this time the stormtrooper doesn't flinch. The Force user touches his face gently and FN-2187 has no idea what he is supposed to do._

_“You don't belong in the First Order,” he says quietly, cupping his face.FN-2187 stares back. “I’m sorry.”_

_Then he leans in and presses his lips softly to the stormtrooper’s forehead._

_FN-2187 doesn't move, doesn't blink, doesn't so much as breathe. Kylo Ren pulls away and stares at him again, his eyes searching for something FN-2187 doesn't understand and doesn't think he can give. He stands abruptly._

_“I’m sorry,” he says again and replaces his mask before leaving the med-bay and an extremely confused stormtrooper behind._

_***_

“…and after that, everything changed,” Finn concludes.

They are sitting on the bed in their quarters. Finn’s eyes burn from not blinking and his throat is hoarse from talking too long without pausing. Poe’s holding his hand, the grip tightening ever so slightly as Finn continued talking until it was almost painful but Finn couldn't stop his story long enough to tell Poe.

Finn blinks repeatedly, letting the tears pool and sooth the sting.

Poe doesn't say a word.

Finn swallows roughly, nervously, but Poe still doesn't speak.

“P-Poe?” Finn says hesitantly. “Are you mad?”

That seems to revive his boyfriend. The pilot immediately lets go off Finn’s hand and cradles Finn’s face in his palms instead, looking sincerely into Finn’s eyes.

“No, love, I’m not mad at you,” he says in a hushed yet urgent tone. “Of course I’m not mad, how could I ever be mad at you?”

He leans in and kisses each of Finn’s eyelids gently.

“You didn't do anything wrong,” he continues softly. “I’m not mad at you. I’m glad you told me. Thank you for trusting me.”

Finn slumps forward in relief and leans his forehead against Poe’s.

“Poe,” he croaks hoarsely. Poe rubs the top of his head and hushes him.

“It’s okay, Finn. It’s okay.”

“I saw him,” he whispers and Poe’s hand pauses. “Last week. After I yelled at Jess. He wanted me to mourn him, and I kept yelling at him to leave, but he kept getting closer.”

“It wasn't real, Finn.”

“It felt real,” Finn insists. Poe doesn't say anything for a long time, and for one brief terrible moment Finn thinks this is it. _This_ is the moment Poe says ‘nope, you’re too much, too damaged’ and leaves.

Instead he kisses Finn softly, looks him dead in the eyes, and says, “you’re allowed to mourn him.”

Finn reels back as though he's been hit.

“W-what?!”

“You’re allowed to mourn him,” Poe repeats. “You don't have to, or need to, but you can. You don't have to feel guilty or obligated, but…it sounds like, at one point, he was the closest thing you had to a friend. And if you want or need to grieve that loss, you can.”

Finn stares at Poe. Over the past two weeks, Finn had thought a lot about Kylo Ren, but never once had he considered grieving for him. The idea feels not only ridiculous but impossible. Grieve his abuser? The man who hurt his boyfriend, and best friend? The most feared man in the galaxy? It’s almost laughable.

Finn is about to tell Poe this when the Jedi’s words whisper in the back of his mind.

_‘It’s the monster who killed him, who walked around wearing his skin, that’s who I hate.’_

“I don't need to grieve Kylo Ren,” Finn says carefully. “I don't _want_ to grieve Kylo Ren.” He looks up Poe, hoping he understands.

“Kylo Ren was a murder and a monster. When villains fall, the kingdom doesn't weep. But…I think that that man, the one who saved me? Who defended and protected me. Who…” Finn hesitates, searching for the right word. “…cared for me? I don't think that was Kylo Ren.”

Poe’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, then smooth out into comprehension.

“That was Ben Solo,” Poe guesses. Finn shrugs but nods.

“What was left of him, maybe. That’s the man I want to remember and mourn. Not the monster who stood in his place.”

Poe wraps his arm around Finn.

“Kylo Ren was never a good man,” Poe says, and Finn nods in agreement.

“But Ben Solo used to be.”

**Author's Note:**

> I tended to write this between the hours of 12-3 am and never edited so if there are horrible typos I'm terribly sorry (and terribly sleepy)
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading :)
> 
>  If you want to check out more of my work, you can find me on tumblr [here](https://im-running-out-of-words.tumblr.com) or you can find my main blog [here](https://theworldsactuallynotthatsmall.tumblr.com)
> 
> (also if you're here cause you're reading my sheith fic, i promise I'm still working on it)


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